Gavin: Butcher Shop

Originally obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by:

 Repaired & Completed by:
Transcribed from: HBO

Cast: Kevin: 32?

 Bruce: [Rising from being hidden by the display counter.] Present.

 Kevin: May I help you?

 Bruce: Yes. I'm pricing meat. So... how much for everything?

 Kevin: I dunno. A thousand dollars.

 Bruce: Gulp, I wish. Okay, then instead, who do you think would win in a fight between a dog and a monkey?

 Kevin: Monkey.

 Bruce: Yeah, I'll say! This kid, well she's a girl really, she goes to my swimming pool, and she has false teeth. I found them when I was diving for pucks....She's 5 and she has false teeth. And she can't eat meat. You know why?

 Kevin: No teeth.

 Bruce: No, she's a vegetarian.... One thing I don't wanna be when I grow up, is a butcher. Is that what you wanted to be when you were a kid like me?

 Kevin: Yeah kid, it's a life long dream come true.

 Bruce: Yeah?

 Kevin: Where's your mom exactly?

 Bruce: Oh I'm killing time because she's getting a make over.

 [Cut to salon.]

 Mark: Ready. [Mark in a mud pack that's being sanded off by power tools.]

 Bruce: My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon, cause I'm the man of the house. I better start sloooow. You know what's in wieners? Well, there's cow's eyes, and dog's heads, and old phone books, and, of course, *wiener flavor*....

Kevin: Really? That's good to know.

 Bruce: Yep, yeah, and on my vacation I went to Washington state. and I really had a fabulous time, thank you. Have you ever been to Mammal World and seen the 300 kinds of mammal bones and then driven on the highway to the restaurant that echoes?

 [Silence. Kevin ignores him.]

 Bruce: Yeah, I did. You know why that restaurant echoes?

 Kevin: [dreading the answer] Why?

 Bruce: Uh, I don't know either. You should ask my mom.

 [Cut to Mark in the beautician's chair, singing at the top of his lungs into a wind machine.]

 Kevin: No, that's okay.

 Bruce: So what did you do on your vacation?

 Kevin: Went to divorce court.

 Bruce: How was that?

 [Kevin flattens a bunch of hamburger then cuts about 20% off of it.]

 Kevin: Her's [referring to the 80%.] Mine. [Referring to the 20%.]

 Bruce: Oh. Do you ever worry about losing your finger, like that guy that got drunk with my dad at the Legion while I waited in a cab? Because if you loose your finger on your hand-shaking hand, you could never meet anybody new. Like a woman to replace your wife.

Kevin: 33.

 Bruce: [hands him #33] What do you know about the longest bunny hop line of all time?

 Kevin: 34.

[Bruce hands him #34.]

 Kevin: 89!!!

 [Bruce pauses then hands him #89.]

 Kevin: YES!

 Bruce: How much do you think my head weighs?

 Kevin: [disbelieving] What!?!

 Bruce: How much do you think my head weighs. Like if I weighed it on the scale, you know if the angle was right?

 Kevin: With or without hair?

 Bruce: With. [rolls eyes as if to say 'Duh']

 Kevin: Twelve pounds.

 Bruce: Now, if my head were veal, which I know it is not, if my head were veal, how much would it be worth?

 Kevin: Fifty four dollars.

 Bruce: [Mulls it over a moment] No, I don't think I'll sell.

Kevin: Really? That's too bad.

 Bruce: Yep. Yeah, but I've gotta go. 'Cuz my mom, she'll be dry by now.

 [Switch scene to the salon. Mark receives a bouquet of roses (a la Miss America) from the people at the salon. Scene fades.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video